Daughter of the King

I was the youngest of four children, and the only girl. This should have made me feel special, but it didn't. I was a very shy, quiet, and insecure little girl. I only felt secure when I was with my mom because she was my main caregiver. My dad was rarely home and didn't interact much with his children. When he did come home, he would stay for such a short time, all I remember was him scolding me for disobeying my mom. This caused me to be afraid of him. I thought if I was a good girl he would stay longer, but that never happened. I felt abandoned and the need to be rescued. I would often daydream that one day I would be rescued by a king and become his special princess for all eternity.

Once I became a teenager, I realized getting good grades on my report card seemed to please my father. He would ask to see my grades and he would reward me monetarily for doing well. This made me feel good, but it didn't replace the love and quality time I was craving. I continued to try my best to be a good girl to earn the love and affection that I so desired. However, I began to also want attention from my peers. I wanted to be accepted by them. I was bullied as a young child, as well as into my early teenage years, so I felt rejected by most of them. I had a few good friends, but I still felt disconnected in many ways.

After I graduated from high school, I moved to the city of Pittsburgh to attend business school. Life in the city was a lot different than the small town I grew up in. I tried to continue to be a good girl, but I found it very difficult when I was surrounded by people who were heading in the wrong direction. Drinking and drugs were the norm in downtown Pittsburgh in the seventies, so to fit in, I began experimenting along with my new friends. When I got drunk or high, I was able to be outgoing and fun instead of quiet and shy. Afterwards, I would feel guilty and would still try to be a good girl by going to my classes and getting good grades. I knew I messed up, but I didn't know how to fix it. I no longer had hope of being rescued by a king. That was just a childhood fantasy.

From that point on, I began to reflect on what I had learned in church about God. I was worried about whether I would go to heaven when I died. I believed my entrance into heaven depended upon my good deeds outweighing the bad things I had done. At that time in my life, I knew that I had been doing more bad things than good. I needed answers to my many questions, but I didn't know where to find them. I had stopped going to church and didn't know what to believe any more.

At the age of 19, I graduated from business school and began looking for a job. After just a few interviews, I got a job as a secretary. I thought maybe this was the answer to my problems, but I still felt insecure and didn't fit in anywhere in particular. I was asked to sit at the lunch table with a group of girls, but their conversations were about things that I had learned were against God. I thought this isn't the direction I want to be going. Then another group of ladies invited me to sit with them at lunchtime. They seemed different. They talked about God and church a lot. I decided to continue sitting with them on a regular basis.
One day at lunch, my coworker asked me if I knew whether I would go to heaven when I die. I was amazed because I had been thinking about this very thing for months. I told her I didn't know, and I didn't see how anyone could ever know that for sure. She showed me in God's Word how Jesus died on the cross for the wrong things I had done. If I would admit I was wrong, he would forgive me, and take me to heaven when I die.

After about a month of asking her a lot of questions and her answering them by sharing God's Word with me, I realized that Jesus was the answer to my despair. I knew he died for everyone, but now I knew and believed he would have still died on the cross if I was the only person alive on this earth. He was the rescuer I was longing for, and in need of, for all my life.

I was given a new direction in life when I began to follow Jesus. He changed my desires, and I no longer wanted to do the things that I once did. Some things changed instantly, but other things changed gradually. I wanted to learn more about Jesus and share this good news with others.

As I grew in my relationship with Jesus, I realized I still felt disconnected in my relationship with God, the Father. This was more than likely because I didn't have a close loving relationship with my earthly father. I thought if I messed up again, God, the Father wouldn't love me anymore. I knew Jesus loved me enough to die for me, but I didn't realize how much God, the Father, loved me until I realized that the Father sent Jesus to rescue me. He loved me so much that he sent his son to die for me, and all mankind. He was the Father that I longed for as a child, and the King I dreamed would rescue me. I am His special princess, the daughter of the King. I will live with Him in heaven for all eternity.

It has been many years since I began my relationship with Jesus, and I continue to learn and grow in my new life as I follow Him. I now understand that when I was struggling to be a good girl to get to heaven that I was trying to be good enough on my own. However, no one can be good without God. These past few years, I have learned that my true identity is in Jesus. God is my loving Father; I am His beautiful daughter. I am His masterpiece. He created me to do good works that He prepared for me long before I knew Him. He made me for a purpose.

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